My Dear Lover

In my previous post, I try to explain to you, the three emotional phases
(Protest, Depression and Detachment) that all of long distance lovers goes
each time we go apart again.

Before we continue this post, it is important that you read previous post at:
http://www.distancelovinghelp.com/blog/2005/07/what-is-wrong-with-you.html

But do you want to know something very interesting?

It is not only me and you and all the people that are living a
Long Distance Relationship, that goes by the Protest, Depression
and Detachment emotional phases, each time we go apart again.

Dr. Gregory Guldner, of the National Institute for Building Long
Distance Relationships, shows in his book
"Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide",
that puppies also "feel" the same as us.

According to Dr. Guldner, "Although it's difficult to
apply conclusions from research done on animals to the emotions
described in humans, I've found that the reactions of the pups
are strikingly similar to the reactions of many of those in LDRs."

And he continues, "When the researchers removed the mother dog
from the kennel, the pups began to protest. They cried and ran
around the kennel sometimes for hours and even days. Eventually the
pups stopped protesting, but they began to behave as if they
were depressed. They slept poorly, they lost their appetites, they
stopped playing with toys in the kennel, they lost weight,
and they withdrew from other dogs."

And more, "This pattern of protesting the separation, then
behaving depressed, then developing some emotional distance, seemed
to represent the usual reaction of the pups to separation.
Because these reactions occur very early in the lives of the pups,
there is good reason to believe that the sequence of emotions may
even be programmed to help them survive."

And he states that, " Researchers speculate that the sequence of
separation, protest, depression, and detachment may reflect an
almost automatic protective reflex in many mammals. How much of
this reflex remains in us humans we don't know, but I think it
unlikely that we have managed to escape it entirely. More likely,
the emotional reactions remain, but we have learned to change the
behavior they evoke."
"But the emotional triggers that cause the pups to cry for days,
and us to feel saddened by our partner's departure, remain deeply
ingrained."

And as I told you in previous post, it's a fact that no matter how many
times you go by the experience of separation again and again, nothing
eliminates this three phases. The only thing you can do is to realize their
existence, understand each phase, and take action so you can make
this experience more "soft".

And the advice's I am going to give you, comes from my personal
experience, and from the help of 2 fantastic books, (you can find
their references, at the end of this post) that I did buy, read
and apply, that did in fact help me a lot living again and again
the experience of being apart again and again.


So my advice's to help you in the phase of Protest (when you fight
against the separation in all the ways you can) are:

- Spend the morning or afternoon before your beloved leaves, with
friends. Do something active, to keep your minds "off" of that
moment, and avoid being alone, crying all the time.

- Don't focus on the pain of being apart again, focus on the
pleasure. How bliss you are for loving and be loved. And you will
not be apart forever.

- If it is too hard for you to take your beloved at the departure
place, like to the airport, and stay together as long as possible,
then either say goodbye at your home and let your beloved take a taxi
to the airport, or take your beloved at airport but say goodbye in the
car.


My advice's to help you in the phase of Depression are:

- Let out the emotions, cry, scream. Give permission yourself to be
"depressed"(but not for long time!), but please please please don't
make yourself miserable.

- Surround yourself with friends and family that can give you all
the support you need, and don't be alone at your room crying all
time.

- Go to work, go to gym, set goals like getting in shape, and stay
active. Go to a comedy movie to make you laugh!

- Don't focus on how long your beloved will be away. Take comfort
in the fact that you are not really alone, only separated by space.


My advices to the phase of Detachment are:

- Detach yourself of the "pain" of being apart again, but please
don't detach from your beloved. Keep strong communication with your
beloved. Nowadays we are so lucky to have all the technology to
make staying in touch so easy, like phone, text messaging, email,
faxes, web cams, etc.

- Don't make the separation between you and your beloved an
obstacle, see as an opportunity to grow.


My Dear Lover, face your feelings, understand them and learn to live
with them.
I know it is easier to speak than do, because to me, one of the most
difficult things in a Long Distance Relationship, is this emotional
phases of separation.

But I am learning, and getting better each time, and very soon it
will arrive the time when there will be no more go away again.
And the same will happen to you.

Be strong , you are not ALONE!!!



~~~~~~ Recommended Resources ~~~~~~

"Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide" from MD, MS, Gregory Guldner

"Loving Your Long Distance Relationship" from S. Blake

My Dear Lover,

In most of the long distance relationships there are times when you
are together and times when you are apart

And also in most of the long distance relationships the time you
are apart is bigger than the time you are together, and probably
you will be between being together and being apart more than once
in your distance relationship.

And I can tell you, because I have been there more than once, that
the experience of being apart after being together, is one of the
most difficult periods in a long distance relationship. It make us
feel so horrible, that sometimes we wonder "what is wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?".

Each time we go apart again, mainly three emotional phases
happens (Protest, Depression and Detachment).

While you were together, you were inseparable, took long walks
together and made all moments count, but now is arriving the time
your beloved as to go away.

It's like something triggers inside you, that say that your beloved
is leaving, and you start the first phase, the Protest.

You fight against the separation in all the ways you can.

You feel terrible, you cry without control, some will be angry with
"life", or even with their beloved, some will hold and kiss each
other like you will never see each other again.

And even at the last moment, when you are at airport, you will
ignore the last calling of the departure, until you finally realize
your beloved really have to leave. Did you ever did this? I did!

But no matter how much you protest to prevent the separation, you
are apart again.

Now comes the second emotional phase of separation, the Depression.

You can't stop crying, you miss your beloved like hell, you can't
sleep, can't eat, lose interest for things, you can't concentrate
in anything, and all you want is to be together with your beloved
all time. And that is natural reaction when you love somebody so
much.

This phase of depression and loneliness can last only some minutes,
but in most cases it will last for several days.

Finally comes the last phase, the Detachment.

You have to continue with your life, even being apart from your
beloved, and being depressed won't bring your beloved back.

And finally the day that you will be together again arrives, and
probably, you will have to go throughout the phases of separation
again and again!

So now that you understand "what's wrong with you?" each time you
have to go through the process of separation, does it means that
you can't do nothing about it?

No, no and no, and next week I will share with you, some things you
can do to soften this process of separation.

But remember, it's a fact that no matter how many times you
go by the experience of separation again and again, nothing
eliminates this three phases. The only thing you can do is to
realize their existence, understand each phase, and take action so
you can make this experience more "soft".


Don't measure the distance, measure the Love, Maria Madeira.

http://www.distancelovinghelp.com/loveletters/index.html

My Dear Lover,

Communication is one of the key ingredients for the success of a
Long Distance Relationship.

You can communicate by messenger, by phone, by email, by web cams,
by snail mail, etc. All of this means of communication are
important, but if you want to melt your beloved heart, the best is
through love letters.

Several researches arrive to the conclusion, that couples that
write love letters have almost twice of the change of staying
together compared with the couples that never write love letters.

Of course love letters don't even come close to having your beloved
near to you, but they are magic, they are much more powerful than
the phone in a Long Distance Relationship, because when you write a
love letter, you express your most inner feelings with words from
your heart, and that will simply melt the heart of your beloved.

Love letters will take you to a very close level of intimacy.

What could be more romantic than receiving a love letter? Do you
remember the first love letter you ever received? You never did
receive a love letter?! My God you don't know what you are missing!

A love letter is an amazing thing, just imagine what is the feeling
of receiving a romantic love letter from the one that loves you,
with words that express caring and passion, words of affection,
words that express love so deeply tender. Oh it's so magic.

You can send your love letters by email, but my advice to you, is
that once in a while, send handwritten love letters. It is much
more romantic and will leave a much more last feeling on your
beloved, than if Ti Ws written by computer. And love letters are
legacies.

Send them in special stationary, use a special pen with good
quality ink and put some of your favorite perfume in the paper and
envelope.

Express your romance and passion with words that come from your
heart, be loving, express how much you love your beloved, and that
you always will, express your gratitude for being loved so much.

And if you need more help to express your feelings express the
reason you fall in love with your beloved; express your most
romantic moments together and thank for each single detail; express
how your life changed since meeting your beloved; express what you
most admire in your beloved; express the most romantic thing your
beloved did for you.

So now that you know the "Very Old Secret To Melt The
Heart Of Your Beloved" what are you waiting for?
Send a love letter now, and don't forget to say, "I LOVE YOU".

Get even more help at http://www.distancelovinghelp.com/loveletters/index.html

Don't measure the distance, measure the Love, Maria Madeira.

My Dear Lover,

Long distance relationships are hard, no doubt about that.
If is a fact that the longer the relationship the less is the
doubts, the fears, the insecure, but it doesn't decrease the
loneliness, that feeling of emptiness or hollowness inside you.

I don't know about you, but to me, in these kind of days,
like the Independence day in America (in Portugal we have the
same celebration, but in another day), when everybody gets out
to celebrate, and all you see is couples together, kissing,
having real life together, celebrating, playing with their
children (it even seems to you that, there is more couples
in this kind of days, than in the other days), and you ALONE!

In these kind of days, you feel so loneliness, like if you have
a hole inside you, and all you want and need so desperate is to
be with your beloved, if only you can reach, touch your lover!!!

In this kind of day express how you are feeling, to your beloved,
let him or her know that you feel kind of "envy" for seeing
everybody together, that you really need him, open your heart!

Call your beloved if you can, instead of email or chat online.
There is something about hearing a person voice that makes
more intimate connection. (but don't cry on the phone,ok?)

Go out, with your family, your friends, celebrate, look for the
other couples together, and see you and your beloved in each of them,
look as if you are looking into your future.

Choose to be happy, you won't be apart forever.

Choose to celebrate because you are loving and you are loved,
and that is so magic.

Don't measure the distance, measure the Love, Maria Madeira.

My Dear Lover,

Soon or later, you and your beloved will have to take the decision of who should move, because it is very hard to live apart.

Moving will change your life drastically, you should what you and beloved really wants from life, you need to communicate, communicate and communicate until you arrive to a very clear understanding about your expectations, It is your future.

Here are some questions to help you make the decision.

• Will you have to "give up" of your domestic animals? Does your beloved love having cats, dogs, birds, etc. at home?
• Any of you already have children? How well will they accept living together, now as a new family? There are good schools for them in the new place? They like the new place? How about their friends, they accept being apart from them? Can they keep their current activities, like sport, etc. in the new place?
• Are you moving far away from your family? If you are a kind of person that is very close to your family, it will be very hard not. to be with them so often. Maybe your parents are "old" and need your assistance. You have the right to build your life, your happiness, your love, but I think it isn't fair to leave your parents alone most of the time, when they most need your help. And if you already have children, can they live far away from their actual family? They are willing to have a new family?
• If you are divorced and your ex lives near to you, will he accept your new mate? After all he comes from "nowhere", and almost from one day to another, he is already living with you.Of course you can't let your ex be the main reason for you to live your life, where you want, and with who you want, but if your ex is a kind of person that don't accept that you have a new mate, you need to be prepared to deal with that.
• Can you live in the new area, possibly, for the rest of your life? Do you like the weather? The culture? If you are an urban lover and will move to a rural area, can you live with that, or will you miss the urban live too much?If you are a kind of person that can adapt very easy to new environments, this is no problem at all, but if you are not, and decide to move, you will need all the help, understanding and support from your beloved, for the more "difficult" phases, be aware that he knows that. Do you really know the new area, or you have been there before, only for a couple of weeks in romantic holidays? Try to know better the new area, if you can spend more time there and not. only when both of you are in holidays, before you move forever.
• God forgive me, but if things don't go well between you, and you decide to you should end your relation, after you move, will you come back to your old home, or will you live in the new area? Can you live there, without the support of your family and old friends? It will be a very difficult time for you.

Well, with all these questions, it might seem to you, that this is a very difficult decision to make.It is a big decision that will change your life forever, you need to be very clear about your expectations.

But my most important advice to you is to listen to your heart.
True love is so precious and can overcome any difficult.

Don't measure the distance, measure the Love, Maria Madeira.