My Dear Lover

In my previous post, I try to explain to you, the three emotional phases
(Protest, Depression and Detachment) that all of long distance lovers goes
each time we go apart again.

Before we continue this post, it is important that you read previous post at:
http://www.distancelovinghelp.com/blog/2005/07/what-is-wrong-with-you.html

But do you want to know something very interesting?

It is not only me and you and all the people that are living a
Long Distance Relationship, that goes by the Protest, Depression
and Detachment emotional phases, each time we go apart again.

Dr. Gregory Guldner, of the National Institute for Building Long
Distance Relationships, shows in his book
"Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide",
that puppies also "feel" the same as us.

According to Dr. Guldner, "Although it's difficult to
apply conclusions from research done on animals to the emotions
described in humans, I've found that the reactions of the pups
are strikingly similar to the reactions of many of those in LDRs."

And he continues, "When the researchers removed the mother dog
from the kennel, the pups began to protest. They cried and ran
around the kennel sometimes for hours and even days. Eventually the
pups stopped protesting, but they began to behave as if they
were depressed. They slept poorly, they lost their appetites, they
stopped playing with toys in the kennel, they lost weight,
and they withdrew from other dogs."

And more, "This pattern of protesting the separation, then
behaving depressed, then developing some emotional distance, seemed
to represent the usual reaction of the pups to separation.
Because these reactions occur very early in the lives of the pups,
there is good reason to believe that the sequence of emotions may
even be programmed to help them survive."

And he states that, " Researchers speculate that the sequence of
separation, protest, depression, and detachment may reflect an
almost automatic protective reflex in many mammals. How much of
this reflex remains in us humans we don't know, but I think it
unlikely that we have managed to escape it entirely. More likely,
the emotional reactions remain, but we have learned to change the
behavior they evoke."
"But the emotional triggers that cause the pups to cry for days,
and us to feel saddened by our partner's departure, remain deeply
ingrained."

And as I told you in previous post, it's a fact that no matter how many
times you go by the experience of separation again and again, nothing
eliminates this three phases. The only thing you can do is to realize their
existence, understand each phase, and take action so you can make
this experience more "soft".

And the advice's I am going to give you, comes from my personal
experience, and from the help of 2 fantastic books, (you can find
their references, at the end of this post) that I did buy, read
and apply, that did in fact help me a lot living again and again
the experience of being apart again and again.


So my advice's to help you in the phase of Protest (when you fight
against the separation in all the ways you can) are:

- Spend the morning or afternoon before your beloved leaves, with
friends. Do something active, to keep your minds "off" of that
moment, and avoid being alone, crying all the time.

- Don't focus on the pain of being apart again, focus on the
pleasure. How bliss you are for loving and be loved. And you will
not be apart forever.

- If it is too hard for you to take your beloved at the departure
place, like to the airport, and stay together as long as possible,
then either say goodbye at your home and let your beloved take a taxi
to the airport, or take your beloved at airport but say goodbye in the
car.


My advice's to help you in the phase of Depression are:

- Let out the emotions, cry, scream. Give permission yourself to be
"depressed"(but not for long time!), but please please please don't
make yourself miserable.

- Surround yourself with friends and family that can give you all
the support you need, and don't be alone at your room crying all
time.

- Go to work, go to gym, set goals like getting in shape, and stay
active. Go to a comedy movie to make you laugh!

- Don't focus on how long your beloved will be away. Take comfort
in the fact that you are not really alone, only separated by space.


My advices to the phase of Detachment are:

- Detach yourself of the "pain" of being apart again, but please
don't detach from your beloved. Keep strong communication with your
beloved. Nowadays we are so lucky to have all the technology to
make staying in touch so easy, like phone, text messaging, email,
faxes, web cams, etc.

- Don't make the separation between you and your beloved an
obstacle, see as an opportunity to grow.


My Dear Lover, face your feelings, understand them and learn to live
with them.
I know it is easier to speak than do, because to me, one of the most
difficult things in a Long Distance Relationship, is this emotional
phases of separation.

But I am learning, and getting better each time, and very soon it
will arrive the time when there will be no more go away again.
And the same will happen to you.

Be strong , you are not ALONE!!!



~~~~~~ Recommended Resources ~~~~~~

"Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide" from MD, MS, Gregory Guldner

"Loving Your Long Distance Relationship" from S. Blake